BUILDING BLOCK THREE
He May Not Come Back Home
The Batterer Should Not Reside Or Have Contact With The Victim And Children
1. Batterers must learn how to stop family violence and abuse first.
2. It may take many months or years to unlearn violent and abusive behavior.
3. The batterer may have continued his drug and alcohol use and abuse.
4. After the batterer is released from jail or prison, his self-esteem is usually low but his expectations are high. Not being able to achieve his expectations may result in a return to family violence and abuse.
5. Allowing the batterer to return to the same family environment may lead him to believe it is ok to return to his same violent and abusive behaviors.
6. The victim may not have participated in treatment (counseling, victims groups) and may have unresolved anger, rage, and resentment for the batterer. The victim may express these feelings to the batterer. Without successfully completing treatment, the batterer may then relapse into family violence and abuse once again.
7. The batterer may feel that the victim is now in a position of total power and control over him. The batterer may attempt to take back some of the power and control through abusive behaviors and violence.
8. Having the batterer build self-esteem apart from
the victim helps him focus on improving his behaviors, ultimately helping both individuals respect each other more if they ever reunite.
9. Children who witness the violence/abuse may be afraid of the batterer returning to the home. The victim may be too afraid or not know how to protect the children from future episodes of his violence/abuse.
10. The children may not want the batterer to return to the family and may be afraid to express their feelings. They may begin to express these feelings and emotions by acting out inappropriately; they may develop mental health problems.
11. After being released from jail or prison the batterer and victim may be in the remorse stage and may not have been given enough time to develop the skill of breaking their cycle of family violence and abuse.
12. The victim may be desperate (low-esteem, no resources) and would rather risk being in a violent/abusive relationship than being alone and facing the fear of the future.
13. Couples counseling is recommended only after the batterer has successfully completed a domestic violence prevention program. Only then does he have the tools needed to help work on relationship issues. Thought provoking questions are posed, for example, If your daughter or sister were involved in domestic violence, would you recommend that she return to the batterer before his treatment has been successfully completed?
It is recommended that children who witness physical or emotional abuse be referred to a mental health professional for counseling. In this setting, the child will be encouraged to express his/her pain and fears concerning the family violence and abuse. Victims are encouraged to participate in family counseling with their children. Child Protective Service Agencies request that children who are abused and who witness family violence/abuse be referred to their agency. Batterers who have visiting privileges with their children will be encouraged to participate in family counseling if possible. A mental health professional can provide the appropriate format and setting which is less threatening for the child. This may help the child deal with his/her confusion surrounding the separation of the batterer from the home. If this is not possible, the batterer should express his remorse to the child concerning the incident (depending on the child’s age). Child-related issues/topics should also be discussed in the batterer’s prevention program.
Statistics indicate that children who see violence in the home can be affected in the same way as children who are sexually or physically abused. These children are more likely to grow up to be batterers/abusers or victims. All visitations by the batterer should be referred to agencies that monitor and supervise visits between separated and divorced parents. There are family visitation centers set up in many cities and counties throughout the nation.
Family violence and abuse increases in frequency and severity over time. Below is a list of some domestic violence terms that are generally used to describe family violence and abuse.
Power: Ability to control by force or authority, denying basic rights, keeping the victim from having a private or personal life, controlling what she wears and how she wears it.
Physical Violence: Violence which may or may not result in an injury from beating, biting, choking, grabbing, hitting, kicking, pinching, pulling hair, punching, pushing, restraining, scratching, shaking, shoving, slapping, twisting arms, using weapons, spanking, smothering, tripping, holding against will, banging head, etc.
Stalking: Following her to various activities and places (grocery store, work, home, church) due to a lack of trust, intense jealousy, etc.
Using Male Dominance: Treating her like a maid and servant; he must make all the big decisions; he is the “master of the castle.”
Spiritual/Religious Abuse: Focusing on scriptures in the Bible pertaining to men being the leader of the family, the man must take control, women must be submissive, and obey. Spiritual language: Timothy, Verse 2:11 “Women should learn in quietness and full submission.”
Sexual Abuse: Batterer makes her do bizarre sexual acts against her will to prove her faithfulness and love, treats her like a sex object, interrupts her sleep for sex, forced sex, physically attacks the sexual parts of her body.
Responsibility Abuse: Pressuring her to take responsibility for everything, (e.g. bills, caring for children, entertainment, holidays, house repairs, etc).
Using Children: Using children to relay messages, uses visitation with children as an opportuntnity to harasses her, uses child support as leverage for his demands.
Isolation: Controlling who she sees, where she goes, listens in on her phone calls, keeps her away from her family and friends, wants her to be available to him at all times; she must carry a pager or cell phone, she can have no outside interests, she cannot touch the mail, deprives her of any support system.
The Silent Treatment: Using silence as a weapon, control, a way of intimidation, isolating himself from her, she is fearful of him since he will not talk and share his feelings.
Property Violence: Punching walls, smashing things, destroying her property, breaking his personal items, throwing property at her, causing destruction to her car so she can’t drive.
Intimidation: Making her fearful by using facial expressions/looks, actions, gestures, loud voice, clenching fists, cursing, and continuously arguing.
Economic Abuse: Does not want her to work, keeps her from getting or keeping a job, makes her ask him for money, she has to account for every penny, gives her an allowance, takes the money she earns, sabotages her plans to make or get money.
Threats: Says things to scare her so she will comply with what he wants, he threatens to end the relationship, do something to her emotionally or physically, threatens her life, says he will take their children away, he will commit suicide, report her to the authorities for some reason, take away financial support, forces her to break the law.
Verbal Abuse/Verbal Violence: Name-calling, yelling, insults, being sarcastic, threatening violence to her and the children.
Emotional Abuse: Put downs, name calling, belittling, insults, blowing money on drugs or alcohol, coming home drunk/high, intense jealousy, withholding sex, criticizing her looks, insulting her friends, manipulating with lies, making accusations regarding love affairs, “saying no one else would have you.” The batterer does not want her to keep a job, he drives recklessly to scare her, keeps her from going to work/school, threatens divorce, laughs at her all the time, ignores her, uses mind games, makes her think she’s crazy, deprives her of physical needs (food, sleep, decent place to live), threatens physical violence and retaliation.
Pet Abuse: Harms, neglects, kills, or threatens to hurt the animals that she/children love.
Stages of Violence and Abuse
1st Stage: Gateway behavior: This may be the victim’s first exposure to the batterer’s violence and abuse.
2nd Stage: The victim’s health and safety are in jeopardy and she must seriously consider leaving him.
3rd Stage: The victim must leave immediately.
When the batterer is released from jail or prison, he should have no contact with the victim and children for at least six to twelve months. The amount of time he should stay away may depend on the type of family violence and abuse he has committed. If the victim requests his return, the following time restraints are recommended:
No Contact for 52 Weeks/1 Year and Completion of the Batterers Prevention Program
No Contact For A Minimum of 26 Weeks/6 Months
One of the most important steps is for the batterer and the victim to make a commitment to refrain from residing together and having any contact. This separation provides the batterer and victim time away from each other to reflect on their destructive relationship. They now have a chance to develop strategies to ensure the elimination of the violent and abusive behaviors, and to build self-esteem. Although the batterer may have spent time in jail or prison, the real treatment process usually does not begin until he is released back into the community. He may have decided or he may have been mandated by the court, probation, or parole to stay away from the victim. During this separation each party has an opportunity to successfully complete a domestic violence treatment program, and at a later date if desired by the victim reunite in a healthier relationship.
If the victim and batterer continue to reside together or have contact after his release from jail/prison, the victim should immediately seek some type of domestic violence treatment. It is recommended that the victim attend a community victims group, and individual/group counseling. If the batterer and victim are in treatment, they may share coping strategies and anger management techniques they both learned in treatment. Although immediate contact is not recommended, having both adults in treatment may reduce the chances of them having another incident of violence and abuse.
CASE STUDY
Tom was one of the batterers in the treatment group. His wife, whom he had battered, filed a restraining order and later divorced him. While he was in treatment she allowed him to see his eight-year-old son after church each week. Tom successfully completed the batterer’s program and was one of the leaders in the group. At the end of the treatment program, his wife wanted to see him and even considered reunification. After meeting with his son on Sunday afternoons during the year, his son began telling his mom how his father had changed. It came as a shock to Tom that his wife wanted to start seeing him again. He was very happy about the thought of reuniting with his wife and child. After settling down from the excitement of going back home, he began to reflect on the prior problems with his marriage and wondered if reunification was appropriate. Tom discussed his reunification with the group. It appeared that Tom’s ex-wife did not want to attend a community victims group or seek any type of counseling/treatment. She wanted nothing to do with learning about domestic violence or prevention. Tom decided that reuniting with his ex-wife was not such a good idea after all, since she refused any type of domestic violence treatment.
